So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
