So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
