you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
