the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
