Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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