remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
