Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize