I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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