yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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