I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
