Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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