How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
