Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
