If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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