I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
