this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize