I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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