Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
