There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
