so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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