i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
