My cat gives me a boner
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
