i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
