I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize