The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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