i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
As shirtless as possible
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
