theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
