Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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