You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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