matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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