you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
