Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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