I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Welp...herpes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
