OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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