Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize