our cab driver is having phone sex.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
