i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
