He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
