so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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