I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
