Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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