I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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