When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
