i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
