You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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