My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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