I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
