I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
