Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
