just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
