Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize