Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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