You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
