I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
