Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
