i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
