Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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