dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
